You're either in or you're out

Warning: an entry of introspection ahead.

I'm completely honest now,though not necessarily personal. The day totally didn't start off well with me on the verge of losing my temper at my parent. And when I get annoyed, negative thoughts begin to cloud my mind like armies of termites invading a wood log pervasively. Hahas I know you know what I mean. How can someone be so unreasonable, how can people just hurl their displeasure onto my shoulders for me to suck it up, and yes the ultimate internal argument - why must I always be the one to bow down first. Ironically, all those things happened right before I headed for church. The last thing I would ever want to land myself into, is to go for a church service with a vengeful spirit and unyielding attitude.

In moments like these, I panic. I panic because of my infirmities, for I just know no amount of calming down on my part would grant me the fastest remedy to emotional turmoil. I knocked on Heaven's gates and told God that I needed His help.

Christians always sing of this phrase in worship songs or come across verses in the Bible which read "my very best of help in time of need". Sometimes I need to personally experience them before I grasp the essence of such otherwise mere inspirational talk. In my time of need, this came to mind - honour your father and mother. Wow, well done, one of the ten commandments which I came across the night before in preparation for cell proved to be useful. That, as I have stated, is a commandment, not a comment open for debate nor negotiation, nor something that I would be more than happy to do on days when I'm on the high and shut it out on days when I feel like crap. Honour. Full stop. Not putting others down, not thinking if that's fair or not and certainly not asking how many times do I have to do it.

Jessie, the chiselling is always painful, but discipline yourself to see the good fruits. Read Hebrews 5:8-9. Even Jesus, the perfect man, learned obedience. He wasn't born obedient just like that. There is no perfect obedience, there is only perfected obedience.

And yes, that is how powerful an effect the Word can have on me, it can make me stop feeding my conflicting inner thoughts, it tells me what I ought to learn to do. From that point onwards, no more attempts to dwell on my feelings of inequity and I'd better be going forward to make my day right with the Lord. That, is the exciting life of a child of God.

In the night, I came across something which I haven't thought much of for the longest time. As I took a closer look and allowed reality to set in, I realised, oh shit, I still had emotional markers attached to those things that I never ever want to touch on again. And worse still, to my very horror and dissatisfaction,I took longer than normal time to recover from the overwhelming of adverse emotions. Again, negative thoughts creeped in from all sides in an attempt to crush me. "Jessie, this one is gone, that one is not done, are you still sure you know where you're heading?" Talking about letting go of what is lost, having immense faith about what lies ahead, am I seriously definite about the path ahead that I am to tread upon?

I tell you very honestly, I'm not absolutely certain up till this day, this very moment. When I lack faith, sometimes I just really hope I have accumulated enough evidence in the past to curb my ever wandering thoughts regarding the future. I hope I have remembered many things the Lord has done for me in the past which makes me know to a big enough extent that He will see me through the to-come. And unfortunately, on days when I choose not to remember, I revert to being a weakling and get myself frustrated in my sea of self-inflicted sorrows cum never-ending confusion.

Great. Stop. Let's take a closer look at the definition of faith again. Check the dictionary, it says confidence or trust in something, a belief not based on proof. Check the Bible, Hebrews 11:1 (thankfully) mentions faith is the confidence of what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. I particularly like what is written in 2 Corinthians 5: 7, we walk by faith, not by sight. Re-look at how I've been handling faith in my life.What's the thing again about relying on evidence in the past to sustain the future? What's the thing again about badly trying to recall something from the mind to tide through something that has yet to come?

Sigh, so I guess I have to formulate a new definition of faith now and make it a personal pledge. Faith is, to entrust my life, my everything, to a being whom I have complete assurance that He will only think of good things, or rather, best things for me. Faith is, to believe that even when I don't know what is ahead, I trust someone, that someone being God, that He knows for sure and He only intends to lead me to green pastures.

Of course, in order for you to have complete assurance in a person, you first use logic to grapple with the issue of trustworthiness. That is why God created logic, and that is why logic is to be combined with faith so that there is no blind faith involved.

Logic served me very well. I need it especially during exams preparation. But towards someone whom I've never seen before nor touched before, I can only depend on faith to bring me further. And I, calling myself a child of God, I have used common sense and logic to say the things written in the Bible are accurate unless otherwise proven. I have combined the intellect with faith and choose to entrust my life to a higher being wholly, for I believe He will do a better job in molding my life as compared to the atrocities and stupid mistakes I do with my own life. All in all, in spite of the extremity of my emotions feel, I choose to believe to the ones that are gone, He will still make good. To the ones that are undone, He will bring them to completion. And do I know what I'm doing? I only ask of Him to lead me in every step of the way. So will I still go to bed tonight thinking I'm such an emo idiot?

May emotions be a part of me as the force of nature dictates, but may they never consume me.

Refer to the title as above. You're either believing or unbelieving. Check again to see if there is such a thing as half-believing. The best you might come up with would be "I believe in this, but I don't believe this". So you're either in, or you're out.

I just had to remind myself that. I'm either with Him, or I reject Him. And seriously, I want to be in.